coffee Convos

Letʻs get one thing out in the open. Itʻs difficult to say no.

I donʻt care who you are, where you grew up, or how you were raised, we all had a hard time saying no at one point or another in our life.

Now, there are circumstances that arise where the power of ʻnoʻ was taken away from us. Those are the most indescribable feeling, when you have something being taken away from your voice.

Many cultures have the value in which you are brought up to respect your elders regardless of what they say or do to you. Essentially, rendering you powerless and going against your needs.

This is a form of what is known today, by many, as people pleasing.

And man, does it suck.

Constantly having your basic needs ignored for the better of other peoples lives. The feeling of being needed for what you can do for others, rather than being with people who genuinely want you for just being you.

I know, I know. Pathetic.

“How can you let people walk all over you?”

“Donʻt you hate being at their beck and call?”

“Stand up for youself! Donʻt be weak!”

“Whereʻs your backbone!”

All very valid questions. Oneʻs in which we will never have an answer for. And to be honest, Iʻm not sure we ever will unless you experience it yourself.

In my experience, itʻs now second nature to help others before myself. That is how I was brought up.

“Get me this.”

“Bring that.”

“You look so thin/skinny. Eat some more.”

A childs brain is the most precious thing in life. Itʻs completely and utterly innocent. They donʻt know whatʻs right and whatʻs wrong. They donʻt know this isnʻt normal in other families dynamics. They barely know what theyʻre feeling at times and why.

Remember when I said some families had values in which are passed from generation to generation to respect your elders regardless of what they say or do?

This is where the power of ʻnoʻ is immediately stripped for your vocabulary.

Youʻre constantly told to push your feelings aside and do what your elders told you. Whether itʻs grabbing a can of soda for them, or simply helping them bring in all their groceries while they carry the lightest bag inside the house and stay there for the rest of the time.

Now, donʻt get me wrong. If youʻre an elder in which you have retired and canʻt physically meet the demands of regular life anymore, then I understand. Thatʻs a different topic.

If youʻre completely competent and able in your everyday life, but just want to take advantage of your elder privilege now, thatʻs where youʻre the problem.

Youʻre actively contributing to the upbringing of a child that will become a people pleaser. The power of ʻnoʻ will no longer be a thought in their mind.

Why is it that taking away a persons power to reject something they donʻt want to do, so frowned upon? Why canʻt we set boundaries for ourselves at such a young age?

Is it really that important to you, that I get your things, that I have to carry more weight in life at a young age, have my mental health ruined so you can ʻget this off your chestʻ, just to keep your life content?

What about me?

The power to say ʻnoʻ is so invigorating.

Being able to have a say in what I want to do is healthy. It was not always this black and white conversation with myself.

I would often be compelled to gaslight myself, which would lead to a sudden guilt trip, which would then lead to all these negative things I would say to myself. Simply for telling a family member I did not want to participate in being their personal servant.

Other times, I would have to advocate for myself more than normal when I did not want to listen to gossip between the family. I donʻt want the gossip that is most likely not true, I simply have more things to do.

Being my own advocate for my peace, was challenging. I wonʻt sugarcoat it.

This took a lot of practice, whether itʻs individually with the mirror as my subject or actively with family members. I had to practice and introduce a new word that should have been introduced to be from the start, into my everyday life.

The power behind saying ʻnoʻ was now in my life.

I love every second of it. Being able to set verbal boundaries with people whom only expect me to hop, skip and jump for them, were taken back by my sudden boundaries. But I did it.

I put the power back into ʻnoʻ in my life.

People pleasing is still there in the back of my mind. Which is completely fine, Iʻm only human to believe it or not. But having the power to say ʻnoʻ to things I donʻt want to do, rather than forcing myself to do it, has never felt as good.

No longer am I a people pleaser at heart, I fought to get the power behind saying ʻnoʻ into my life.

So I challenge you the rest of this week. Say no to something that has been eating you alive.

Whether itʻs saying no to another girls night out, when you just want to stay home and cuddle with a good book. Breaking your bad habits in life and disciplining yourself to stay on track. Or something as simple as, saying no to extra duties being thrown at you during work.

Put the power back into ʻnoʻ and respect yourself for it.

Until next time,

Sweet T.